The Thing Nobody Tells You About Growing Up
Remember when making friends was as simple as sharing your crayons at recess? When “want to be friends?” was an actual question you could ask without overthinking it for three days straight?
Yeah, me too.
Somewhere between childhood playgrounds and adult responsibilities, friendship got complicated. We went from effortless connections to carefully curated social circles. From daily hangouts to “we should really catch up soon” texts that turn into months of radio silence. And suddenly, the thing that used to come so naturally—true friendship—feels like another item on an already overwhelming to-do list.
But here’s what I’ve learned after watching friendships bloom, fade, and sometimes spectacularly combust: friendship isn’t just about having people to grab drinks with on Friday nights. It’s not about follower counts or group chat activity levels. Real, lasting friendships are one of the most significant factors in our overall happiness, health, and sense of belonging in this increasingly disconnected world.
Research from Harvard’s Study of Adult Development, one of the longest-running studies on happiness, found that good relationships—particularly friendships—keep us happier and healthier. Not money. Not career success. Not even romantic love alone. The quality of our friendships actually predicts how well we’ll age, both mentally and physically.
So let’s talk about friendship. The real stuff. Not the Instagram-filtered version, but the messy, beautiful, complicated, absolutely essential connections that make life worth living.
What Is the True Meaning of Friendship?
This isn’t just philosophical navel-gazing—understanding what friendship actually means helps us build better ones.
The true meaning of friendship goes deeper than shared interests or convenient proximity. It’s about genuine connection between people who choose each other, repeatedly, without obligation. Unlike family (who you’re stuck with, for better or worse) or romantic partners (where there’s a different kind of commitment), friends are the family we select for ourselves.
At its core, friendship means:
Voluntary connection. Nobody’s making you be friends. You choose each other because you genuinely enjoy each other’s company, not because you have to.
Mutual care and support. Real friendship is a two-way street. Both people invest in the relationship, show up when it matters, and genuinely care about each other’s wellbeing.
Acceptance without judgment. True friends see your flaws, your weird quirks, your 3 AM anxious thoughts—and they stick around anyway. They don’t require you to perform or pretend.
Shared experiences and trust. Friendship deepens through time spent together and vulnerabilities shared. It’s built on a foundation of trust that you’ve earned through consistency.
Freedom to be yourself. The best friendships are the ones where you can be completely, authentically yourself. No code-switching. No masking. Just you.
Aristotle (yeah, we’re going ancient Greek philosopher on this) identified three types of friendship: friendships of utility (mutually beneficial), friendships of pleasure (fun to be around), and friendships of virtue (based on mutual respect and admiration). The last type—what he called “perfect friendship”—is the rarest and most valuable. It’s the friendship meaning we’re really after.
Modern psychology backs this up. According to research published by the American Psychological Association, quality friendships provide emotional support, reduce stress, boost self-esteem, and even help us live longer. Friends are literally good for your health.
The Qualities of a Good Friend: What Actually Matters
Let’s cut through the Hallmark card platitudes and talk about what makes someone a genuinely good friend. Because spoiler alert: it’s not about grand gestures or being available 24/7.
The Non-Negotiable Qualities of a Healthy Friendship
Reliability (But Not Perfection)
A good friend shows up. Not every single time—we’re all human with our own lives and limitations—but consistently enough that you know you can count on them when it really matters. They follow through on plans most of the time. They remember important things you’ve told them. They don’t ghost for months without explanation.
But here’s the thing: reliability doesn’t mean being always available. It means being honest about your capacity and following through on what you commit to.
Authenticity Over Performance
The best friends don’t need you to be “on” all the time. They’re fine with your sweatpants and messy bun energy. They don’t require constant entertainment or positivity. They appreciate the real you, not the curated version.
And they bring that same authenticity to the table. No fake enthusiasm. No performative friendship for social media. Just genuine connection.
Active Listening (The Underrated Superpower)
We live in a world where everyone’s waiting for their turn to talk. A true friend actually listens. They remember details from conversations three months ago. They ask follow-up questions. They put their phone away when you’re sharing something important.
This isn’t about being a perfect listener every second—it’s about making a genuine effort to understand and care about what’s happening in each other’s lives.
Celebration, Not Competition
One of the clearest signs of a true friend? They’re genuinely happy when good things happen to you. No subtle jealousy. No backhanded compliments. No need to one-up your news with their own.
Real friends celebrate your wins like they’re their own. They don’t feel diminished by your success.
Honesty With Kindness
Good friends tell you the truth, even when it’s uncomfortable. They’ll let you know when you’re being unreasonable, when that relationship is toxic, when you have spinach in your teeth. But they do it with love, not cruelty.
It’s the balance between “I support you unconditionally” and “I care about you too much to let you make this obvious mistake.”
Respect for Boundaries
Healthy friendships include boundaries. A good friend doesn’t guilt-trip you for needing space, doesn’t take it personally when you’re going through a busy season, and doesn’t demand more than you can give.
They understand that friendship exists alongside all your other responsibilities and relationships, not in spite of them.
What Good Friends DON’T Do
Sometimes it’s easier to understand qualities of a good friend by looking at what they don’t do:
Toxic Friend BehaviorHealthy Friend BehaviorMakes everything about themselvesShows genuine interest in your lifeDisappears when you need them, reappears when they need somethingMaintains consistent presenceCriticizes you constantly or tears you downOffers constructive feedback with loveCreates drama or gossips about othersKeeps confidences and avoids unnecessary dramaMakes you feel drained or anxiousLeaves you feeling energized and supportedCompetes with you or feels threatened by your successCelebrates your achievements genuinelyViolates your boundaries repeatedlyRespects your limits and needs
How to Be a Good Friend: The Practical Stuff
Here’s where theory meets reality. Because understanding what makes a good friend is one thing—actually being one is another.
Show Up (In the Ways That Matter)
Being a good friend isn’t about being available 24/7 or never having conflicts. It’s about being present in the moments that count.
The big stuff: When they’re going through something hard—a breakup, job loss, family crisis, health scare—show up. Even if it’s just a text saying “I’m thinking of you and I’m here when you need me.” Even if you feel awkward and don’t know what to say. Your presence matters more than perfect words.
The small stuff: Remember their coffee order. Text them when you see something that reminds you of them. Check in during stressful times like big presentations or difficult anniversaries. These micro-moments of care add up to something substantial.
The mundane stuff: Sometimes being a good friend means showing up for the boring parts of life too. Help them move. Run errands together. Sit with them while they meal prep. Friendship isn’t always exciting—sometimes it’s just parallel existence with someone you enjoy.
Master the Art of Listening (Really Listening)
Most of us are terrible listeners. We’re thinking about our response, getting distracted by our phones, or waiting to share our own similar story. Being a good friend means breaking these habits.
How to actually listen:
- Put your phone face-down (seriously, do it)
- Make eye contact and give non-verbal feedback (nodding, appropriate facial expressions)
- Ask clarifying questions instead of making assumptions
- Resist the urge to immediately share your own similar experience
- Remember what they tell you and follow up later
Sometimes people don’t want advice—they just want to be heard. Learn to recognize the difference between “I need solutions” and “I need to vent.”
Be Honest (But Not Brutal)
Good friends don’t just tell you what you want to hear. They tell you what you need to hear, but they do it with love.
If your friend is dating someone who’s clearly wrong for them, say something. If they’re making a decision you think they’ll regret, share your concerns. If they hurt your feelings, address it directly instead of letting resentment build.
But there’s a way to do this that strengthens friendship rather than damaging it:
- Focus on specific behaviors, not character attacks
- Use “I” statements: “I’m worried about…” rather than “You’re being stupid…”
- Choose the right timing (not when they’re already stressed)
- Make it clear you’re coming from a place of care, not judgment
Celebrate Them (Genuinely)
One of the simplest but most powerful things you can do as a friend? Be genuinely happy for their wins.
When they get the promotion, the relationship, the apartment, the opportunity—celebrate like you mean it. Not with jealousy disguised as concern (“Are you sure you’re ready for that much responsibility?”) or competitive one-upping (“Oh that’s cool, speaking of which, let me tell you about MY thing…”).
Just pure, unfiltered happiness for them.
Maintain the Connection
Friendships don’t maintain themselves through good vibes alone. They require effort, especially in adulthood when everyone’s busy.
Practical friendship maintenance:
- Actually make plans (and follow through)
- Initiate contact regularly—don’t always wait for them to reach out
- Share the load of friendship labor (planning, hosting, remembering birthdays)
- Be flexible and understanding when life gets hectic for either of you
- Find your rhythm (maybe you’re weekly coffee friends, or monthly dinner friends, or daily texting friends)
The key is consistency over intensity. Regular small touchpoints often matter more than occasional grand gestures.
How to Make Lasting Friendships (Especially as an Adult)
Making friends as an adult feels impossibly hard sometimes. Gone are the built-in friend groups of school and college. Everyone’s busy. Everyone’s tired. Everyone already has established friend circles that feel impenetrable.
But lasting friendships are absolutely possible at any age—you just need a different approach than the childhood “want to be friends?” method.
Put Yourself in Friend-Making Situations
You can’t make friends from your couch (well, you technically can online, but it’s harder). You need proximity and repeated exposure.
Places to meet potential friends:
- Hobby classes or clubs (book clubs, running groups, cooking classes, improv)
- Volunteer opportunities aligned with your values
- Coworking spaces or professional networking events
- Fitness classes or sports leagues
- Religious or spiritual communities (if that’s your thing)
- Neighborhood events or community gatherings
- Alumni associations or professional organizations
The key is choosing activities you actually enjoy, not just places you think you “should” meet people. Authentic shared interests create better foundations for friendship.
Use the “Friend Date” Strategy
Once you meet someone who seems cool, don’t let it stay at “we should hang out sometime!” Actually make it happen.
How to turn an acquaintance into a friend:
- Suggest a specific activity: “Want to grab coffee next Saturday?” (Not “we should get together sometime”)
- Follow up after you hang out: Send a text saying you enjoyed their company
- Initiate the next hangout: Don’t play the waiting game
- Gradually increase depth and frequency
Think of it like dating, but for friendship. It requires initiative, vulnerability, and repeated interaction.
Be the Friend You Want to Have
This sounds cheesy but it’s true: the best way to attract good friends is to be a good friend yourself.
Are you reliable? Are you genuinely interested in others? Do you make an effort? Do you bring positive energy (not toxic positivity, but genuine care and enthusiasm)?
People are drawn to others who make them feel seen, valued, and comfortable being themselves.
Accept That Some Friendships Won’t Work Out
Not everyone will be your person, and that’s okay. Some people you click with immediately. Others remain pleasant acquaintances no matter how much effort you put in.
Making lasting friendships isn’t about collecting as many friends as possible—it’s about finding the people who truly resonate with you and investing deeply in those relationships.
How Friendships Impact Mental and Physical Health
Let’s get scientific for a minute, because the benefits of friendships on health are genuinely mind-blowing.
The Mental Health Benefits
Strong friendships are correlated with:
- Lower rates of depression and anxiety: Having people to talk to and rely on provides emotional regulation and support
- Higher self-esteem: Friends reflect back our value and worth
- Better stress management: Social support helps us cope with difficult situations
- Increased happiness and life satisfaction: Friendship and mental health are deeply interconnected
- Greater sense of purpose and belonging: Humans are social creatures; connection is fundamental to wellbeing
According to research from the Mayo Clinic, adults with strong social connections have a reduced risk of many significant health problems, including depression, high blood pressure, and unhealthy body mass index (BMI).
The Physical Health Benefits (Yes, Really)
This is where it gets wild: friendship literally affects your physical health.
Studies show that strong social connections can:
- Boost your immune system
- Lower your risk of cardiovascular disease
- Help you recover faster from illness
- Increase your lifespan (some studies suggest the effect is comparable to quitting smoking)
- Reduce inflammation in the body
- Lower blood pressure
Loneliness and social isolation, on the other hand, are as harmful to your health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day, according to some research. That’s not hyperbole—that’s science.
The friendship support network you build isn’t just making your life more enjoyable; it’s literally keeping you healthier and helping you live longer.
Common Challenges in Friendships (And How to Overcome Them)
Even the best friendships face challenges. The difference between friendships that last and ones that fizzle is how you handle these inevitable rough patches.
Challenge 1: Life Changes and Growing Apart
The problem: You move to different cities. One of you gets married or has kids. Career paths diverge. Suddenly, you have less in common and less time.
How to overcome it:
- Accept that the friendship might look different now—and that’s okay
- Focus on quality over quantity (fewer but more meaningful interactions)
- Use technology to stay connected (video calls, voice notes, shared playlists)
- Make visits and reunions special when they do happen
- Be honest about what you can realistically maintain
Pro tip for how to maintain long distance friendships: Set a recurring reminder to check in. Make it a habit, not an afterthought.
Challenge 2: Conflicts and Misunderstandings
The problem: Someone said something hurtful. Plans were broken. Expectations weren’t met. Feelings got hurt.
How to handle conflicts in friendships:
- Address issues directly rather than letting resentment build
- Choose to have the conversation in person or over the phone (not text)
- Use “I” statements to express how you feel without attacking
- Listen to understand, not just to defend yourself
- Apologize genuinely when you’re wrong
- Recognize that some discomfort in conflict is normal and healthy
The friendships that survive conflict are often stronger than those that never faced challenges. Working through disagreements builds trust and depth.
Challenge 3: Unequal Effort
The problem: One person always initiates. One person always hosts. One person is clearly more invested than the other.
How to address it:
- Have an honest conversation about what you need from the friendship
- Consider whether expectations are realistic (are they going through a tough time?)
- Decide if you’re okay with things as they are or if you need to step back
- Sometimes friendships are seasonal, and that’s okay
Not all friendships will be perfectly balanced at all times, but chronic one-sidedness often indicates the friendship has run its course.
Challenge 4: Jealousy and Comparison
The problem: Your friend’s success makes you feel inadequate. Or their complaints about their “problems” feel tone-deaf when you’re struggling.
How to work through it:
- Acknowledge the feeling without shame (jealousy is human)
- Remember that you’re seeing their highlight reel, not their full reality
- Practice genuine celebration by focusing on specific things you’re happy about for them
- Work on your own goals and self-worth independent of comparison
- If it’s too painful, it’s okay to take some space
Real friends can be happy for each other even when their own lives aren’t going perfectly.
Challenge 5: Recognizing Toxic Friendships
The problem: Not all friendships are healthy. Some are actively harmful.
Signs of toxic friendship to watch for:
- Constant criticism or putdowns
- One-sided support (they take but never give)
- Drama and chaos follow them everywhere
- They violate your boundaries repeatedly
- You feel worse about yourself after spending time with them
- They gossip, manipulate, or betray your trust
How to end a friendship gently:
- Gradual fade: Slowly reduce contact and investment
- Direct conversation: “I’ve realized we’re in different places and I need to focus my energy elsewhere”
- Firm boundaries: If they were toxic, you don’t owe them an explanation
- No public announcements: Handle it with dignity and privacy
Ending friendships is painful, but staying in toxic ones is worse.
How to Deepen Your Existing Friendships
You don’t always need new friends—sometimes you need to invest more deeply in the ones you have.
Go Beyond Surface-Level Conversations
Small talk has its place, but deep friendships require vulnerability.
Questions that deepen friendships:
- What’s been challenging for you lately?
- What are you proud of right now?
- What’s something you’re afraid of?
- What do you need support with?
- What brings you joy these days?
Move past logistics and weather. Share real thoughts, fears, dreams, and struggles.
Create Shared Rituals and Traditions
Friendship activities ideas that create bonds:
- Weekly coffee dates or walks
- Monthly dinner parties or game nights
- Annual trips or adventures together
- Shared hobbies (running together, book club, crafting)
- Holiday traditions
- Birthday celebrations that actually matter
These repeated experiences create a shared history and sense of “us.”
Be Vulnerable First
If you want deeper friendships, someone has to go first in sharing authentically. Be that person.
Share your struggles, not just your successes. Admit when you’re struggling. Ask for help when you need it. Let them see the messy, imperfect parts of your life.
Vulnerability creates permission for others to be vulnerable too—and that’s where real connection happens.
Show Appreciation
Don’t assume your friends know how much they mean to you. Tell them.
Ways to show appreciation:
- Send a text out of the blue saying why you value them
- Give thoughtful gifts that show you pay attention
- Write them a letter or card (physical mail hits different)
- Publicly celebrate them on social media if that’s their thing
- Simply say “thank you for being my friend” sometimes
People need to feel valued to stay invested.
Celebrating Friendship: Ideas and Gifts That Matter
Friendship deserves celebration—not just on designated days like Friendship Day, but regularly.
Meaningful Friendship Gift Ideas
Forget generic gift cards. The best friendship gifts show that you actually know and care about the person.
Personalized and Sentimental:
- Personalized friendship photo books capturing your favorite memories together create lasting keepsakes
- Custom friendship journals where you write back and forth about life, dreams, and inside jokes
- Best friend heart necklaces or matching jewelry that symbolizes your bond
- Customized friendship mugs and keychains with inside jokes or meaningful dates
- Digital photo frames preloaded with photos of your adventures
Experiences Over Things:
- Experiences gift cards for concerts, spa days, escape rooms, or cooking classes you can do together
- Plan a surprise adventure or weekend trip
- Friendship workshops or online courses about personal growth or shared interests
Thoughtful Care:
- Friendship gift sets with skincare, beauty products, or self-care items
- Self-care gift baskets full of things you know they love
- Subscription boxes for friends tailored to their interests (books, snacks, wellness)
For the Crafty and Creative:
- Friendship bracelets DIY kits to make jewelry together (because nostalgia is real)
- Friendship day cards and stationery for heartfelt handwritten notes
- Friendship quote wall art with meaningful sayings for their space
Fun and Playful:
- Matching friendship pajamas or apparel for movie nights
- Games for friends like board games or card games for regular game nights
- Friendship-themed phone cases or accessories
- Friendship charms for bracelets or necklaces that represent your connection
For Growth and Support:
- Friendship books about dynamics, psychology, and nurturing relationships
- Online therapy or counseling for social skills through apps like BetterHelp if they’re working on relationship building
- Friendship day gift combos with curated collections of meaningful items
The best gifts aren’t the most expensive—they’re the ones that show you’ve been paying attention.
How Do You Know If Someone Is a True Friend?
This is the million-dollar question, isn’t it? Because we’ve all had people in our lives who we thought were friends until they weren’t.
Signs of a True Friend
They’re consistent. True friends don’t disappear when life gets busy or when you’re going through a tough time. They maintain connection even when it’s inconvenient.
They celebrate your success. No jealousy. No weird competitiveness. Just genuine happiness when good things happen to you.
They tell you the truth. Even when it’s hard. Even when you don’t want to hear it. But they do it with love.
They respect your boundaries. They don’t pressure you, guilt-trip you, or make you feel bad for having needs and limits.
They show up in hard times. Anyone can be your friend when life is good. True friends are there when things fall apart.
You can be yourself. No performance. No pretending. Just authentic you, and that’s enough.
They keep your confidences. What you share stays between you. They don’t gossip about you or use your vulnerabilities against you.
They make effort. Friendship is a two-way street. They initiate, they plan, they invest in maintaining the connection.
You feel better after spending time with them. Real friends energize you, even when the conversation is heavy. Toxic friends drain you.
The Gut Check
Sometimes you just know. You feel safe with them. You trust them. You can imagine them in your life years from now. That gut feeling matters.
If you’re constantly questioning whether someone is really your friend, they probably aren’t. True friendship shouldn’t feel uncertain or conditional.
Friendship Tips and Advice: What I Wish Someone Had Told Me
After years of navigating friendships—some that lasted, some that didn’t—here’s what I’ve learned:
Quality always beats quantity. Three deep, genuine friendships are worth more than thirty surface-level ones.
Friendship requires maintenance. Like plants, relationships need regular watering. Don’t expect them to thrive on neglect.
Not all friendships are meant to last forever. Some friendships are seasonal, and that’s okay. People grow and change. Honor what the friendship was without forcing it to be something it’s no longer.
Your friends don’t have to like each other. Different friends serve different purposes in your life. That’s healthy and normal.
It’s okay to outgrow friendships. Sometimes you evolve in different directions. This doesn’t make either person bad—it just means you’re no longer compatible.
Apologize when you mess up. Pride ruins more friendships than conflict. Own your mistakes, apologize genuinely, and do better.
Ask for what you need. Your friends can’t read your mind. If you need more communication, more support, or more quality time, say so.
Be willing to do the work. The best friendships require effort during hard times. Don’t bail the moment things get uncomfortable.
Trust your instincts about toxic people. If someone consistently makes you feel bad about yourself, it’s okay to walk away.
Celebrate the friends you have. Don’t take them for granted. Let them know they matter.
The Bottom Line: Why Friendship Matters More Than Ever
In our hyper-connected but deeply isolated modern world, real friendship is revolutionary.
We’re living in an era of unprecedented digital connection paired with record-high loneliness rates. We have hundreds of social media “friends” but fewer people we can call at 2 AM when life is falling apart. We’re busier than ever but more disconnected from genuine community.
That’s why friendship matters now more than ever. It’s not just nice to have—it’s essential for our mental health, physical wellbeing, and overall life satisfaction.
The friendships you build and nurture will see you through breakups and job losses. They’ll celebrate your wins and sit with you in your grief. They’ll make you laugh when you need it most and tell you hard truths when you need to hear them. They’ll remind you who you are when you’ve lost yourself.
That’s not just feelgood sentiment—it’s backed by decades of research showing that strong social connections are one of the most reliable predictors of happiness, health, and longevity.
So invest in your friendships. Show up. Be vulnerable. Make the effort. Choose people who choose you back. Build the kind of connections that make life richer, fuller, and infinitely more meaningful.
Because at the end of the day, the quality of our lives is largely determined by the quality of our relationships. And friendship? That’s one of the most important relationships of all.
Ready to strengthen your friendships? Start small. Text a friend you’ve been meaning to reach out to. Plan that coffee date you’ve been putting off. Tell someone why they matter to you. The best time to invest in friendship was yesterday. The second-best time is right now.
For more insights on building strong social connections, check out resources from the American Psychological Association on social support and the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley, which offers research-based practices for nurturing meaningful relationships.
What’s your best friendship advice? Share your thoughts in the comments—your insight might be exactly what someone else needs to hear today.
Related: Narcissism in Love: How It Affects Your Relationship and Marriage